Ahh...the old fake tears! There has to be someone out there who can relate to this!! (Please God say I'm not the only crazy one out there!!)
So I thought I was coping well. Honestly, I am truly grateful for my life. I appreciate that I was born in Canada to a well-educated, loving family. I appreciate that I married an amazing man who embodies every characteristic I had dreamt of as a young girl! I'm grateful that I am passionate about my work, that I have a beautiful home, my health, and a wonderful and supportive family. I should really just take a month to blog about everything I am grateful for...cause I could!
As hard as it is to admit, this is not where my tears come from. My best friend had her second child last night...a beautiful healthy girl! And I am happy for her. And she deserves more love and good fortune than most people I know. In less than a week, her little sister would be celebrating her 21st birthday if it weren't for the negligence of doctors a year and a half ago. This breaks my heart so I cannot imagine how she feels....
And yet, I felt my throat tighten when I got the text from her husband saying it was a girl. Really?! Where is this coming from?! What is wrong with me? I want everything for her. I love her and her family. She is an amazing friend, wife, mother, woman. I love and admire her so much and wish I could take away all of her pain.
The worst part is....she knows. She knows me better than I know myself. I honestly thought I was purely happy for her and not jealous at all because my own life is looking pretty good right now. She didn't even tell me she was pregnant the second time...I had to ask her! To be fair, she had only known for a couple of weeks, but she withheld it from me to protect me. I just felt awful that she didn't announce it in the same way she felt she could with the first one.
But she knows....
This morning my husband woke me up to warm hug and I told him I hadn't really slept all night. When he asked why, I honestly replied, "I don't know". As I drove to work I remembered that I should call my mom, in case she hadn't heard that K had her baby. As I dialed the number, I felt my throat close again. I was seconds away from a meeting so I hung up before she answered because I knew that the sound of her voice would inevitably lead to a watershed!
So here I sit...eating cookies, snuggled in my blanket, and resolved to not touch any school work tonight. I am ashamed to admit that I am praying and hoping that I don't have to fake smile through tears of pain at the birth announcement from another friend or family member any time soon.
Decadent Instant Pot Chocolate Oatmeal
3 years ago
7 comments:
ah Mary... I know this all too well! And always when you think surely you are over it. I have cried many tears of 'joy' ((hugs)) - let me know if you want to go for coffee!
I, too, have cried when friends told me they were pregnant and even though you are happy for them, you are sad for yourself.
And that is o.k. Yes, you have a good life but it doesn't take away the fact that something you want so badly is not happening as easily for you as for others.
You have been thru a lot in the last few months...I suspect it is all of that coming out in your tears too!
Ummm...can I go for coffee with you and Jess sometime :)
My two best friends have both had their first babies this year (one, just this morning)... I get it (and it totally sucks not feeling all of the happiness that I want to in this moment). A
Well, I went to meet the little sweetheart tonight despite my moments of heartache the last few days and the sleepless nights. And I love her! And I love my friend, but I am lucky...cause she knows. And I am lucky to have people like you out there who know better than anyone!!
Thanks, guys!
Let me know when coffee works for you...I'm seeking comfort foods and warn drinks these days :S
Hey ladies! Yes, I've definitely been there before: "Lisa, don't you want to hold the baby?" (Only if I can keep it!) Someday I'd love to join you all for coffee too! And some other day I'd like to join you for ice cream at the paddling pool when all of our kids are home. . .
You're definitely not alone. Sometimes it's easier than others. For the first time this year when one of my cousins had a baby, I held him and just felt love. It's hard and it's sad, but it's life.
Our day is coming!!!
Heidi
I've been there too. More times that I care too count. I'm thinking that after all of the adoption busy-ness, things sometimes come to a head and you gotta just let it out. Glad to hear you went for a visit, you got to love babies. Even though sometimes the thoughts of them make you just want to crawl in a hole and feel sorry for ourselves. It gets better. It really does.
Have a Happy Thanksgiving!
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